When I watch Toby struggling with accepting new things while still clinging to the past, I think of God watching me do the very same things. I am a girl that doesn't like change and everyone says I am a control freak (I call it being organized but whatever). Lol.
All in all, everyone is doing really well. Ashley and Travis adore Toby and they have a lot of fun together. Ashley still likes to read books, play outside on the swings, watch movies and comb Toby's hair (which he loves). Travis and Toby play all the time. Toby is sad when Travis goes to school and cheers when it is time to pick him up. Homework time is still one of our hardest times. The older kids need some quiet, which does not go over well with Toby. He wants my (and their) undivided attention. I keep all of his 'table work' from puzzles, coloring, matching etc for him to work on while they do homework. Like every good plan though, some days it works better than others.
Toby is adjusting more and more each day. We were told that 6 weeks to 2 months would really be a turning point. Truer words have never been spoken. At week 5 we were all exhausted and running on empty. A good cry from most of us started a new outlook and improvements. Toby began to accept the new routines instead of challenging them and things started to click.
When I can step back and look at things I can almost laugh (almost) but in the thick of it there is no laughing. Toby had very little choices in his previous situation yet came home loving the choices all around him. Yet, these new found favorites are often not to his timetable. In other words, we cannot eat chips and pop tarts for every meal anymore than we can ride a scooter for every waking moment or take four baths a day. It isn't life. He has now accepted that those things will come in due corse and things are falling into place.
We still see (and will see for years to come) different coping techniques. We see him attempt to hide into the background and become invisible as well as when he turns on the fake charm to get attention. Kisses, hugs, looks and smiles can turn on in an instant but can turn off just as quickly. It will take a long time for him to learn he will never be invisible with us and that charm doesn't change the circumstances. Life lessons. Ash and Trav learned them and so will Toby.
Last weekend I cried feeling like we were not making progress while this week I can see huge growth markers. I texted Todd early in the week a picture of Toby playing trains on the kitchen floor while I did dishes. It was the first time! He has begun to play with his airplane on his own and will race it from room to room. It is huge!
He is fiercely independent while being totally insecure (figure that one out). We had a set-back last week which was totally my fault and I have been paying for it ever since. Travis, Toby and I left to go to Travis' soccer practice. I left Ashley at home as Todd was about 5 mins away and he was taking her to buy new soccer cleats. Sounds fine right? Until you get down the road and realize that in Toby's eyes I left Ashley. I left her. His greatest fear just realized. Oh.My.Word. The little boy who would proudly run and put his own shoes on now clings and shrieks "Don't leave me" when he sees us getting things together. Words mean nothing as he saw me leave Ashley. Actions always trump words. One week later and we are better. Not back to where we were but better. A situation I should have been prepared for but in the rush of getting everyone to the right place I never even considered how it would be interpreted. A mistake I hope to avoid in the future.
Each week he speaks a little bit more about his time in Haiti and we slowly put the puzzle together. Sometimes the pieces help clarify reactions and emotions while others remain a mystery.
Everyone tells me they love the Q&A but here is a different take and just some fun facts/thoughts:
-Learning on/off and open/close is a real thing and if you live near us and see flickering lights or opening/closing doors you know we have not mastered it yet.
-The hairdryer is the most exciting and yet equally terrifying thing ever.
-Suckers work great for keeping him still during a soccer game.
-Toby loves airplanes. Loves!
-Those long legs are like a baby giraffe. When he learns to use them he will be a force!
-He is toughest kid I know yet HAS to have medicine and bandaids. Seriously. Bought 5 boxes of bandaids and two tubes of cream and we are almost out again. Nightly we must add bandaids before bed. He points to where he wants them, then happily puts on Jammie's and removes said bandaids first thing in the am. (Remember to ask for them or you may find them somewhere you don't want them).
-Kleenex's are a first world luxury and a weird concept to get used it it appears. Lol.
-Another first world luxury is flushing after going #1. This might not be mastered for awhile. (Much to Ashley's frustration)
-Warm is a new concept. In reality, I think that most of his life he experienced warm. I doubt he had ice or ice cold drinks any more than I expect he had super hot sponge baths. Yet, his bath is still way cooler than I would ever sit in and his food cannot be even slightly warm or he is upset.
-He understands WAY more than you think he does. Actually, he speaks great English and has not used Creole in weeks.
-Conversations in the car or at the dinner table are hysterical. He wants to talk but doesn't know what to say. And he cannot stand to have us talk. So, he typically sings a little louder than we are talking. It can become quite wild. Everyone takes a turn talking about their day. When it is his turn, it is usually something like "I like elephants or I like cow" which only makes the older kids giggle and leaves Toby thinking he is a comedian.
-No matter how much he practices he cannot say 'Oops'. It comes out "Oosp" which makes everyone laugh like crazy.
-Toby experienced his first soccer tournament weekend and did very well! He learned to play between games and cheer for the girls during the games.
-He has experienced his first S'more and while wearing most of it, he thought it was 'yummy'.
Last night we had a small breakthrough in trust. We have worked for three weeks to get his hair cut. He absolutely freaks out. Seriously. To a whole new level. We have been to the shop numerous times. They give him suckers, talk with him, and spend forever trying all sorts of things, but go near his head and he freaks. We have tried almost daily at home. Travis has gotten his hair cut twice and Todd once. All talking to Toby. He has held the trimmers numerous times and knows they don't hurt but go near his head and all bets are off. Last night though...it worked. He wasn't super calm at first but with all of us together he agreed to try. Of course, I have never cut hair like his before but we did it. It isn't as good as it would be by someone else but it is done and he was laughing afterwards. Today he keeps telling me he likes his haircut. Progress!! Trust is a hard thing. It is hard to watch him struggle but great to see him when he conquers a fear. We do not want to pressure him into obeying as much as we want him to conquer fears! A much longer process but worth every minute.
As I walked across the soccer field on Saturday with my mom to congratulate Ashley on another win, Toby ran in front of us yelling "Daddy". They held hands and laughed together.....and I cried. A beautiful picture.
