Keeping it real.....

Thanks to some great editing software and the ability to upload only carefully selected pictures, it can often appear that life is perfect.  And that is what we want right?  Rarely do we ever post pictures of the mess in our lives or the chaos in our homes.  But life isn't perfect and reality is messy.  As November quickly comes to a close I am thankful for a full month of messy, crazy, chaotic days with sprinklings of amazing, beautiful and perfect moments! 

So, let's be real....

Here is our pretty picture of the kids with their carefully carved pumpkins all happy and smiling.  

Reality is that we carved pumpkins on November 19th (much to Ashley's frustration).  And long before these pictured smiles were the shrill shrieks of a four year old who thought sticking hands in pumpkins was "YUCKY!!".  Travis, the ever independent one, learned thru the school of hard knocks that what you draw cannot always be carved (yes...mom and dad tried to explain but sometimes that school of hard knocks is the best education ever!) And Toby went from screaming yucky to attempting to pick up every carving tool known to man.  

November also meant our first family pictures taken by our sweet friend Heather at the local park. Here is my favorite picture (some of you may see this one again closer to Christmas).  

Reality was quite different than this beautiful picture!  It was a chilly day and Toby is already having trouble getting used to our environment....which is a nice way to say I carried a bag with boogie wipes and tissues to clean up the yuck.  Heather would start with Ash and I to check the scene and get my mop of hair situated, then we would call in mr. statue (aka Travis) and Todd would come flying in after corralling Toby for a quick tissue wipe and a smile.  Immediately after the shutter clicked Toby was off exploring again.  Whew!  Just as we all got situated for a picture and just before the shutter clicked we all heard a noise and Toby froze....a train!  A real live train which meant all pictures stopped and we got to see a train up close for the first time.  So thankful Heather was patient with us.  Lol. 

November also brought our first overnight guests since Toby came home as Todd's parents came for Thanksgiving.  Toby thrives with routines but a wrench in that routine can be interesting.  Overall, he did really well.  We all did.  I think I was super sensitive trying to be ever cautious and try to stop anything before it got started.  Even though we have looked at pictures and talked all about them, Toby blank stared at them for the first day and a half.  We then moved to blank stare with a head nod.  By day 3 he was talking to them and by the time they left he was hugging them.  Since life is messy and I am scattered we do not have one single picture to show for our time together.  Good job mom! 

These past two months have been amazing.  All of the kids have grown so much and truly enjoy each other which makes our hearts swell.  I have learned that I can get frustrated faster than I ever thought possible yet children do too and together we have learned forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  Our beautiful moments have been things like three generation bike rides, baking and icing cookies with grandma, movie nights all snuggled on the couch, hikes at line creek, countless scooter races, volleyball lessons, family dinners and my favorites:  hugs, kisses, cuddles and expressions of love.  ❤️❤️❤️

But, life is always perfect. And if you know me, you know I like to laugh.  And we certainly have had some funny moments also. Poor Toby is learning SO much but sometimes you just have to laugh at things.  There isn't anything else you can do.  

Travis rode the bus home last week (for the second time since Toby came home).  As we waited outside, the UPS guy came to deliver a package.  Toby thought it was a different bus and thought Travis was inside.  I tried to explain it but as the UPS driver walked back to the truck Toby was yelling for Travis.  Thankfully, the (real) bus pulled up and out came Travis.  That sweet UPS man has waved as us forever but left our driveway thinking we were nuts and couldn't drive away faster.  

Toby kept talking about seeing the sleeping deer.  He was SO excited (he loves animals).  It wasn't until the next day we realized it is a dead deer on the side of the road.  Today (day 3), he said "Deer really sleepy".  I just don't have the heart to tell him.  

(This is not for the faint of heart but might explain things if you see us in the next few weeks). Background is that Toby has not had the blessing of clean water so has had parasites and bowel issues.  Which means he basically never farted without being on the toilet.  If he did he would have an accident and he was terribly embarrassed.  We realized this when he came home.  If he said he needed to go...he meant it!  So...the first time Travis farted in the house.....Toby laughed like crazy.  Now that Toby is felling better, of course he has learned to fart. And loves it!  This mama is trying really hard to teach him where and when but today in the check out line he farted really loud and was SO proud of himself.  He cheered and giggled while the poor check out clerk had no idea what to do.  In less than 60 seconds I went from totally embarrassed to laughing along with him.  ((Sigh))

A popular phrase he came home saying was 'shake your booty'.  It is not a thing we run around saying in our house but he clearly loves it and nothing I do or say can seem to stop him.  He had not said it in a long time until this week.  We were in Walmart when a young black woman was walking around passing out candy.  She came up to him and asked if he wanted candy. (((Blank stare))) She politely smiled and as she turned to walk away Toby yelled (yes yelled) "Shake your booty".  If only you could have seen the look she gave me as she basically ran away.  

Toby is full of sweet endearments and tells me (all of us actually) that he loves us a thousand times a day.  It is so sweet...until you realize he also loves the trash can, a bath, farts, bugs, poo, and cookies.  It kind of takes the meaning out of the words.  

Speaking of bugs.....the kids were playing in the backyard/woods while I was working on the patio.  Toby ran up to show me something and was full of excitement.  I bent down to see and found a huge bug in between his fingers.  Without thought, I screamed.  Which made him jump and lose the bug.  It took me a long time to explain that some people like bugs and others do not.  Just because Ashley will catch and hold anything does NOT mean mommy will.  

When we picked up Travis yesterday he quickly showed us he lost a tooth while at school.  He was so proud.  He was trying to sweetly explain to Toby that he will lose teeth and then get new ones.  Toby started shaking his head, holding his teeth and saying "Toby's teeth no go bye bye".  We avoided tears but Toby touched his teeth the whole way home until it was forgotten with riding the scooter.  Oh the things that are hard to explain.

Well, that's us.  Keeping it real with the amazing and messy parts of life. Always loving the support we have received from family and friends.  Praying we all remain thankful for our blessings as we enter into this Christmas season.  I don't know about you but I am sure we will have more messy and amazing stories to tell.  

Six weeks home!

As I sit here to write a much overdo update, I am filled with a bunch of emotions.  The first one being how different this update will be vs the one I started one week ago.  You see, last week we were in the trenches so to speak.  This week, we have clawed our way up and are enjoying the peak again.  What a journey this thing called life really is!

When I watch Toby struggling with accepting new things while still clinging to the past, I think of God watching me do the very same things.  I am a girl that doesn't like change and everyone says I am a control freak (I call it being organized but whatever).  Lol.

All in all, everyone is doing really well.  Ashley and Travis adore Toby and they have a lot of fun together.  Ashley still likes to read books, play outside on the swings, watch movies and comb Toby's hair (which he loves).  Travis and Toby play all the time.  Toby is sad when Travis goes to school and cheers when it is time to pick him up.  Homework time is still one of our hardest times.  The older kids need some quiet, which does not go over well with Toby.  He wants my (and their) undivided attention.  I keep all of his 'table work' from puzzles, coloring, matching etc for him to work on while they do homework.  Like every good plan though, some days it works better than others.

This is day the plan worked well.  Lol

It is blurry but this is the daily greeting at school.

Toby is adjusting more and more each day.  We were told that 6 weeks to 2 months would really be a turning point.  Truer words have never been spoken.  At week 5 we were all exhausted and running on empty.  A good cry from most of us started a new outlook and improvements.  Toby began to accept the new routines instead of challenging them and things started to click.

When I can step back and look at things I can almost laugh (almost) but in the thick of it there is no laughing.  Toby had very little choices in his previous situation yet came home loving the choices all around him.  Yet, these new found favorites are often not to his timetable.  In other words, we cannot eat chips and pop tarts for every meal anymore than we can ride a scooter for every waking moment or take four baths a day.  It isn't life.  He has now accepted that those things will come in due corse and things are falling into place.

We still see (and will see for years to come) different coping techniques.  We see him attempt to hide into the background and become invisible as well as when he turns on the fake charm to get attention.  Kisses, hugs, looks and smiles can turn on in an instant but can turn off just as quickly.  It will take a long time for him to learn he will never be invisible with us and that charm doesn't change the circumstances.  Life lessons.  Ash and Trav learned them and so will Toby.

Last weekend I cried feeling like we were not making progress while this week I can see huge growth markers. I texted Todd early in the week a picture of Toby playing trains on the kitchen floor while I did dishes.  It was the first time!  He has begun to play with his airplane on his own and will race it from room to room.  It is huge!

He is fiercely independent while being totally insecure (figure that one out).  We had a set-back last week which was totally my fault and I have been paying for it ever since.  Travis, Toby and I left to go to Travis' soccer practice.  I left Ashley at home as Todd was about 5 mins away and he was taking her to buy new soccer cleats.  Sounds fine right?  Until you get down the road and realize that in Toby's eyes I left Ashley.  I left her.  His greatest fear just realized.  Oh.My.Word.  The little boy who would proudly run and put his own shoes on now clings and shrieks "Don't leave me" when he sees us getting things together.  Words mean nothing as he saw me leave Ashley.  Actions always trump words.  One week later and we are better.  Not back to where we were but better.  A situation I should have been prepared for but in the rush of getting everyone to the right place I never even considered how it would be interpreted.  A mistake I hope to avoid in the future.

Each week he speaks a little bit more about his time in Haiti and we slowly put the puzzle together.  Sometimes the pieces help clarify reactions and emotions while others remain a mystery.

Everyone tells me they love the Q&A but here is a different take and just some fun facts/thoughts:
-Learning on/off and open/close is a real thing and if you live near us and see flickering lights or opening/closing doors you know we have not mastered it yet.
-The hairdryer is the most exciting and yet equally terrifying thing ever.
-Suckers work great for keeping him still during a soccer game.
-Toby loves airplanes.  Loves!
-Those long legs are like a baby giraffe. When he learns to use them he will be a force!
-He is toughest kid I know yet HAS to have medicine and bandaids.  Seriously.  Bought 5 boxes of bandaids and two tubes of cream and we are almost out again.  Nightly we must add bandaids before bed.  He points to where he wants them, then happily puts on Jammie's and removes said bandaids first thing in the am.  (Remember to ask for them or you may find them somewhere you don't want them).
-Kleenex's are a first world luxury and a weird concept to get used it it appears.  Lol.
-Another first world luxury is flushing after going #1.  This might not be mastered for awhile.  (Much to Ashley's frustration)
-Warm is a new concept.  In reality, I think that most of his life he experienced warm.  I doubt he had ice or ice cold drinks any more than I expect he had super hot sponge baths.  Yet, his bath is still way cooler than I would ever sit in and his food cannot be even slightly warm or he is upset.
-He understands WAY more than you think he does.  Actually, he speaks great English and has not used Creole in weeks.
-Conversations in the car or at the dinner table are hysterical.  He wants to talk but doesn't know what to say.  And he cannot stand to have us talk.  So, he typically sings a little louder than we are talking.  It can become quite wild.  Everyone takes a turn talking about their day.  When it is his turn, it is usually something like "I like elephants or I like cow" which only makes the older kids giggle and leaves Toby thinking he is a comedian.
-No matter how much he practices he cannot say 'Oops'.  It comes out "Oosp" which makes everyone laugh like crazy.
-Toby experienced his first soccer tournament weekend and did very well! He learned to play between games and cheer for the girls during the games.
-He has experienced his first S'more and while wearing most of it, he thought it was 'yummy'.

Last night we had a small breakthrough in trust. We have worked for three weeks to get his hair cut.  He absolutely freaks out. Seriously.  To a whole new level.  We have been to the shop numerous times.  They give him suckers, talk with him, and spend forever trying all sorts of things, but go near his head and he freaks.  We have tried almost daily at home.  Travis has gotten his hair cut twice and Todd once.  All talking to Toby.  He has held the trimmers numerous times and knows they don't hurt but go near his head and all bets are off.  Last night though...it worked.  He wasn't super calm at first but with all of us together he agreed to try.  Of course, I have never cut hair like his before but we did it.  It isn't as good as it would be by someone else but it is done and he was laughing afterwards.  Today he keeps telling me he likes his haircut.  Progress!!  Trust is a hard thing.  It is hard to watch him struggle but great to see him when he conquers a fear.  We do not want to pressure him into obeying as much as we want him to conquer fears!  A much longer process but worth every minute.

First haircut at home.

As I walked across the soccer field on Saturday with my mom to congratulate Ashley on another win, Toby ran in front of us yelling "Daddy".  They held hands and laughed together.....and I cried.  A beautiful picture.

Birthday

Birthday breakfast

Birthday lunch

His look when he walked in to see.......

......this!!  Happy birthday Toby!

Enjoyed pizza for the first time!

And of course....all kids like the tape and boxes as much as the presents.  Lol. 

More Fun....

Yesterday we decided to take Toby for his first trip to Chick-fil-A.  He loved it (of course!).  He was freezing though and wore his hoodie the whole time.

Today, Toby helped me make his birthday cake.  Yes, today is his 4th Birthday!!!!  We did a few things today but celebrating tomorrow. He enjoyed making the cake and loved watching it 'grow' in the oven.

Examples of true life....the laundry baskets and toys all over the floor.  : )

A day in the life....

Once again, I find myself quite busy and not able to post as often as I would like.  I will leave you with some tidbits into our life.  Recently, I have commented that Toby is my little mystery man.  He is a mystery still to us in many ways and the world is a mystery to him. We are navigating this journey together.  Lots of joyous moments with some trauma and grief in the mix.

Yes, Toby has transitioned very fast from Oberson to Toby.  He responds and refers to himself as Toby.  I do find that when I really need his attention I call out Oberson.  He always responds but always refers to himself asa Toby.

Like every family that has a new child there are adjustments and joyous times.  I don't have a camera around during the 'adjustments' but want to make sure you understand life isnt always pretty.  We have tears and hurt feeling sometimes but mostly we are enjoying playing and getting to know each other.


During Travis's soccer game.

During Ashley's soccer game.

We did not go into this blindly but there are two areas where we are working through as a family.  First, I never realized how big of a deal 'ownership' would be for Toby.  Never having things of his own, he is constantly questioning who everything belongs to.  "For me?" is a very common question followed by the names of every other family member.  That some things belong to mulitple people seems crazy (such as our table or chairs).  Switching barstools is a crazy concept to a child used to everything being a routine.  Makes total sense but hard to watch him as he learns to process it all.

We expected there to be food issues but not like we are experiencing. I expected him to have distinct likes and dislikes as well as being uncomfortable with various textures.  He has totally surprised us by being open to all kinds of foods with very little being refused.  What he has trouble with is seeing food being preparend and eating until gone.  Life in his orpahange means when you sit down the food is either there or brought in right away.  He has never been in a kitchen to prepare food.  The wait is very hard to understand.  Equally difficult is only eating a little bit. For instance...if he sees me get a bag of pretzels or grapes for a snack then he expects us to finish that bag.  Eating only a little bit is hard to understand.  Now, let's be real....I can hear you now....just get a little out and don't let him see the whole bag...duh?  Yep.  That's great advice! I assume you have never had a child who follows you around or watches every move...out of the fact that they are a nosy toddler or maybe one still unsure of everything?  What sounds so easy is not always the case.  I will say we have been blessed with meals being delivered from our Sunday School class.  It has been a big blessing! Especially with 'preparation' issues.

All this to say.....Toby is a trooper!  He is the bravest little guy I know and has thrown himself into every opportunity.

What is to come......for Toby that is a birthday!  Yes, Toby will be 4 years old this Friday, October 21st!  Party!

Week 1

This past week has been tremendous.  Since I have been remiss in posting, I'll recap the past week and answer some of the questions you are asking (since I haven't really spoken with anyone).

Yesterday marked one week from Todd and I being reunited with Toby. 

One week ago today we began to see the strength of this little guy.  The orphanage has a goodbye ceremony for every child.  The children sit on the floor with all nannies sitting on the sides and staff surrounding everyone.  We sat in the front with Toby.  (I do not like to be in the front so this was uncomfortable for me and they weren't even saying goodbye to me!).  Toby sat on Todd's lap while they sang songs full of energetic claps and motions.  There were musical instruments played by kids and nannies and everyone was involved.  After the singing, Toby stands by himself and every single child comes up to him, gives him a hug and says goodbye.  It was beautiful (through my tears of course).  It was then that I could basically see him square his shoulders, put on a straight face and do what he needed to do (showing no emotion).  After the children, he hugged every nanny and then staff.  I thought we should linger and share a little but to him it was done and he started walking to the car. Done.  Chapter closed.  Ready to begin a new chapter.  

He is so brave!!!

That little squared shoulders, big eyes, straight-no-emotion face would be seen a good bit in the next few days as we traveled airports, security, immigration and customs.  The airplane ride was a huge hit and he spent a good bit of time exploring inside (seats, tables, restroom) and looking outside.  In between his nap on daddy and fun with the ice cubes in his cup. 

Our arrival home was amazing.  We had no idea that so many people had gathered at the airport to welcome us home.  We were stuck in immigration for awhile but everyone was patient to wait.  Oberson came out a new citizen and into a room filled with his prayer warriors!  He greeted Ashley and Travis and was a trooper as we made our way through the crowd. The balloons were a huge hit as well as a stuffed animal elephant that he still clings to daily.  Our dear friend Heather photographed our homecoming.  I will cherish the pictures forever! 

One of our greatest prayers for him was that he would have a willing and open spirit about what was coming in his journey.  When facing changes we all react with either anticipation or fear.  It is the fear that keeps us from experiencing or enjoying things. Don't get me wrong....Toby has fears.  Great ones.  But, he does not let them keep him from experiencing.  He is way too inquisitive for that.  

When you see him, you may see that very serious face.  That's ok.  That is him when overwhelmed.  That is him when he is checking things out or facing new situations.  He is so brave!!!

Some of the most asked questions:

How is his English? AMAZING!  We knew he had been in an English class for a while now.  His teacher said he understands it well but had not spoken English back to her.  It was a mystery as to how much he knew/could say.  Well, he started pretty quickly and now speaks to us mainly in English.  When he gets excited he talks fast in Creole.  What he does say in Creole I cannot understand and I have yet to find in any translator.  I have no idea!  Haha.  Between our Creole and his English though we can speak really well.  We have not really had a time that we could not understand something important.  He is SO inquisitive. He wants to learn and is constantly wanting to know the names on things in English. He will often point and say the creole, I will say the English word, he repeats it and from there on we use English. Good thing as I can't remember anything in Creole like he can remember in English!!  

How is he with Zoey our dog?  At first he was a mixture of curious and apprehensive.  He wanted to touch her but he wanted her to sit still so he could.  She was so excited to meet him her wiggles kept her always moving.  He would sneak pets and touches here and there but ran when her attention turned to him.  Four days later, he wont leave her alone.  He hugs her, wants to pet her non stop and throws more balls for her than anyone.  I would prefer some of those balls be outside and not across my living room but hey...its all good right?)

How is he eating? This sweet boy is all about trying new things. Some things that I know he has eaten every day he will not touch now (like peanut butter sandwich) while others remain favorites (Haitian spaghetti).  He eats grape tomatoes like grapes and likes cucumbers and carrots with dip.  Fruits are a big hit as well as cheese and yogurt.  Each meal has some favorites and new things (trying not to change his whole diet at once).  We all laughed the first time with popsicles.  Cold items seem to be a new concept.  Last night it was ice cream.  Lots of smiles and giggles!!!

How is he sleeping? Unbelievably!!!  He is a good sleeper and has slept through the night since he came home!  I was totally not expecting that at all!  I think it helps that Travis and Toby share a room and can see each other from their beds.  Both boys are early risers so that is good! 

How is it going with the three kids?  From the very beginning, they got along well but it was a little awkward not knowing what to do together. Each day is getting better.  Last night we made all three of them mad when we stopped play time for baths and bed.  Ashley is a great big sister, always looking out for him, helping and reading to him.  Travis is learning his role as big brother quickly. He is so excited to have a playmate! They play cars (machines), trains and love the swings.

What does he like to do? Even for his young age, he is used to a long day at school.  Keeping a routine is important at an orphanage.  I have tried to keep our day a good mix of new and familiar things.  We rotate often through various activities such as toys (blocks, cars, animals), books, fine motor skill activities, table activities (coloring and things that feel like 'school' to him), music (he loves the piano), puzzles and of course lots of outdoor stuff.  He loves walks and can spend all day on the swings.  Our dog loves to play fetch and he loves to throw so it is a good combination.  Haha.  He loved the scooter and is really fast.  One night we got the tball set out and he spent forever hitting balls.  He loved it. Yesterday we all played soccer.  Last night we got out the bikes.  It is so hard for me to watch him do these activities!  I have no idea what he can/cannot do but I don't want to squash his enthusiasm with my worry.  He climbed on that bicycle (with helmet on of course) and took off.  

What is one of the funniest things or most surprising? He is totally intrigued with 'things'.  Big things.  Unusual things.  Like the vacuum!  He laughed so hard when he saw things disappear and loved playing with it.  Opening the dryer door to see it spinning and feel the warmth brings tons of giggles.  Oh and the washer....dirty in and clean out....too fun!  That rushing water had him spraying everywhere and giggling.  Of course he tries to lay on the dishwasher door every time it is open (Yikes!!) so I pray it doesn't break.  Also, his first bath (with bubbles) was awesome. Yes, we had water everywhere (seriously) but the giggles were definately worth it!!

As you can see...we are enjoying our time together! This is not to say that things are perfect.  As much as I want to share the joys I must be honest.  As much as we are thankful for the good, we must appreciate the difficult also.  See....it is difficult.  Toby is grieving.  He needs to grieve because he has lost a lot!  We need to be loving to what is lost, help him grieve and yet enjoy this moment and what is to come.  It is a balance.  Institutional living brings different challenges that when moving into a family means huge transitions.  It will come.  Trust will come.  It takes time.  

Home...

There will be lots of stories to come in time but for now just one.

We have prayed for the hearts of our children and specifically for God to bind them together even when apart. The last 24 hours has been one blessing from God after another and so many answered prayers.  

Within no time the boys were wearing capes and watching them fly in the breeze as they ran around the house, chasing each other down the slide, throwing balls for the dog and playing toys together.  Ashley read books to everyone for bedtime cuddles.  Travis was thrilled to have Toby in the other bed finally.  Everyone slept thru the night and woke early and ready for fun.  We are enjoying watching his personality open, his language develop already, his curiosity with everything and his enjoyment in new things.  ❤️❤️❤️❤️