Laughter 😂

Recently, I was asked why I don’t blog anymore. (I cannot believe it has been a year!) They said they missed our stories.  Haha.  I assured them we have plenty of stories.  Plenty.  The story from this morning comes with an apology.......

Have you ever had “that kid”?

You know what I mean.....the kid that says all the inappropriate things, makes the bodily noises at all the wrong times or just leaves you dumbfounded and unable to even respond?  If you are a parent, then you understand. (And if you deny it...it has happened behind your back.  Haha!  Ask the teachers.  Teachers can laugh things off that turn the faces of the sweetest parents lobster red.)

Today, Toby was ‘that kid’.....at church.  To set the scene, Todd and I teach his Sunday School class.  Today we were discussing Paul being joyful even when he was in prison.  Our class is predominately boys and can get often on the ‘boy side’ of things. We laugh and reign it back it with only a few giggles.  Today, they were all sitting at the table very focused on their craft and were being SO good!  Someone started singing the song we sang during circle time (I’ve got the Joy, Joy, Joy).  Toby decided to change the words.....and sang (very loud and proud)......”I’ve got the Joy Joy Joy Joy down in my butt....where?....down in my butt”.  yep!  Our kid.  Of course, the boys laughed like crazy, fell from their seats and all began to sing with him.  I was dumbfounded.  I stood there for a few seconds to comprehend but since their minds work super fast....I was too late.  All the talking in the world means nothing.  Toby was super proud of his friend making skills and making class so much fun. 🙄 So, if your kid was in our class today and they came home singing a new song....sorry. 😬

To be completely transparent.....some days, Toby is our most difficult child....yet he has brought SO much fun and laughter to our house!  We daily giggle at some antic or comment that he says.  Some are inappropriate but they usually stem from still learning our language and not from a mean spirit.  Actually, they usually stem from being a boy.  Living in a house of boys for the first four years means his ‘boy-humor’ is off the charts.  

Some of his recent comments: 

(I never wear makeup but actually put some on to go out the other day). Toby got right up to my face, put a hand on each of my cheeks and with all the seriousness in the world said:  “mommy, I just love your eyeballs”.  Travis laughed for a good 10 minutes.  My makeup did not survive my tears of laughter.  

Food is always an issue and he often comes in to see what I am making and how long until dinner.  Seeing something new and unfamiliar he looked at me with a quizzical look and said “Will this be yummy food or yucky?”

One morning while snuggling in the rocking chair he looked up at me with those big eyes and said “mommy, I am going to like you all day today”.  

Laughter.....it cures so much!  

He is still adjusting to all these new things and new places.  His little mind is growing and grasping so many things.  Sometimes the words come out jumbled and just plain funny.  Sometimes, he truly is just looking for attention.  In hindsight, he was most likely feeling a little overwhelmed in class this morning with a lot of kids and the room quiet with everyone concentrating. It was easier to create a distraction than to be uncomfortable.  But, aren’t we all like that sometimes? Wouldn’t we rather make someone laugh than to feel insecure or out of place? Of course!  Most behaviors are a reaction....finding what they are reacting to is the hard part!  

In all seriousness, I could say we are all still adjusting.....because we are.  But isn’t every parent in a state of adjusting?  Learning to adjust to chasing a baby that used to sit so sweetly in a swing, or adjusting to the constant “why” that comes after those first sweet words.  Maybe it is adjusting to the routine of homework after all those fun relaxing days or adjusting to a pre-teen/teen in the house (gasp).  Some of you are adjusting to kids driving (I.can’t.even) or going off to college (I have no words).  Life is adjustment. And it doesn’t just apply to kids.  It is perpetual.  

Toby has taught us to enjoy the now.  To stop planning ahead and to enjoy the moment.  He lives for the NOW!  It has made me laugh more, relax more and stop planning.  When Ashley and Travis were little we were always on the go.  Taking them everywhere and fitting as much in as possible.  Toby still finds new things a little overwhelming and we have learned to enjoy the NOW!  Play the games, enjoy time together, cuddle, sing songs, color, wrestle (his favorite)....and laugh.  A lot! 

May you learn you enjoy the now! ❤️😀

Vacation Day 3

I have not posted in months (aahhh) but have received so many questions I thought I would send a quick update from our firs time taking Toby to the ocean.

Day 3 and our family trip is starting to come together. At the end of the first day I was ready to pack it up and head home. whew. Adjustments are hard work.

 Ash and Trav have dreamed for years of bringing Toby to their favorite place.....St. Andrews State Park in Florida. They have chatted on and on about all they would show Toby and he was jumping with excitement. But through the packing and driving his excitement turned to anxiety. We had just left everything he is learning to love and going somewhere new. He was surrounded by us and his favorite things within reach yet we could see him elevating in anxiety. (Let me just say those are some hard moments for parents! To watch your child growing more anxious and yet knowing that he still does not trust us enough to find comfort from us. Heartbreaking).

The first two days were lessons in patience and trust for all of us. When uncomfortable or when approaching new things, Toby cannot be shown anything. You cannot show him, teach him or point out anything. It just adds to his feelings of insecurity. He cannot handle not being equal or behind in anything and showing him something makes it worse. So here we are.....two kids jumping with anticipation and one pushing everyone away. Honestly, it wasn't pretty. But, our third day here and things are coming together. Toby experienced everything in his own way. Usually that meant on his own with us close by but not touching. He slowly started trusting us.

We became a divided family for a few hours each day (which is very typical of adoption families and can be a huge struggle) with one parent taking bios and one taking the adopted child. We refuse and reject this but it became necessary to allow him to explore at his own pace. We each took turns working with Toby while still take Ashley and Travis out for their own adventures. By the second night we were all playing together. Toby announced that he was having more fun WITH us than he had the first day without us. Huge! Success! Today he actually played with all of us at the bay, the sand and the pool and we all had a blast!

 Adjustments are hard.
 Expectations kill!
 This vacation did not start out as any of us anticipated but it has grown into something even better than we imagined!

 It wouldn't be 'us' without the comical moments. Here are a few:

 -In true Toby fashion our little guy would not let anyone show him how to use his new sand toys because 'he knew what to do". Which meant he took the plastic molded shapes (crab, turtle and fish) down to the water and immediately got frustrated when they did not swim away. ?? When he finally let me show him he said they were dumb. Lol.

 - Now that he has learned to go under the water in the pool he firmly believes a moment above water is a waste of time. He loves (truly loves) to watch things from under water. Last night a little girl came to play with him. He was mute and just stood and stared at her...from a foot in front of her face. As soon as she moved he would dive in the water to 'watch' her. When they both popped up he became mute again. Nothing like stalking people so you can swim beside them and watch them underwater. Needless to say her mom didn't let her play with us very long. Lol.

 - Toby is all about play. Anything without play is useless. We discovered this when we went hiking. He was so excited until he realized it was walking. "Why? It's a tree? Lots of trees? I no want to see trees? Why we look at trees? This no fun. Why we just walk?" At first he had the same opinion about walking along the bay. And then to his horror his sister reached in and picked up a hermit crab. He about died. Then he realized she picks up, chases and searches for all kinds of things. It took him a few minutes to determine if she was crazy or cool and it took him a whole day to actually touch a hermit crab. She won him over.

- Boogie boards. Oh my word. I bought him a small one before leaving home as I knew Ash and Trav had some in the attic. He carried it all around and we kept showing him what to do. Nope. Not having it. He firmly believed he was going to stand on it. He ran down that beach so fast, put it on the edge of the water, stood on it and of course just stopped. he came back to tell me he wasn't moving. "Make me move mommy". When he realized he could not stand on it while in the water he was furious. Threw the board and was so mad. Day 3 and he still won't touch it again.

 - Have you ever seen anyone at the pool or beach when it is 90 degrees and they are shivering like they are standing naked in Antarctica? That's Toby!! He shivers and shakes to the point he can hardly walk....and it is 90 and sunny! We are all sunburnt and he is shivering. We spent the first day in the hottub so he could sit still.

 -We are 'that family'. We treat our kids the same. Equal. If I comb Travis's hair I comb Toby's hair. (I was stopped by a women at the store the other day as she told me I needed to comb Toby's hair. No, I did not know her but she felt the need to tell me. I told her I wasn't selective. Look at all three of my kids...as they all stood there with bedhead. Actually, Toby's looked the best. Travis's was in 15 directions. I smiled and walked away). Fast forward to the beach.....we all wear sunblock. Totally. Yes, Toby will burn and we certainly didn't want that so we slathered it on. It took about 2 seconds to realize our mistake.....we use WaterBabies. Anyone laughing yet? Yep. Turns white. Never noticed it on the four of us. Toby was Casper for the first day. And, true to it's name the darn stuff won't wipe or wash off so he was just a white little black boy. I should have taken a picture. We would have laughed about it now. We weren't laughing then. Lol.
 More adventures await.
 More stories to share.
 

 Love seeing Toby allow Ashley to help him! 

 Ready for fun! 

LOVE this one....everyone go under on the count of three...one, two,  three......haha.  

Keeping it real.....

Thanks to some great editing software and the ability to upload only carefully selected pictures, it can often appear that life is perfect.  And that is what we want right?  Rarely do we ever post pictures of the mess in our lives or the chaos in our homes.  But life isn't perfect and reality is messy.  As November quickly comes to a close I am thankful for a full month of messy, crazy, chaotic days with sprinklings of amazing, beautiful and perfect moments! 

So, let's be real....

Here is our pretty picture of the kids with their carefully carved pumpkins all happy and smiling.  

Reality is that we carved pumpkins on November 19th (much to Ashley's frustration).  And long before these pictured smiles were the shrill shrieks of a four year old who thought sticking hands in pumpkins was "YUCKY!!".  Travis, the ever independent one, learned thru the school of hard knocks that what you draw cannot always be carved (yes...mom and dad tried to explain but sometimes that school of hard knocks is the best education ever!) And Toby went from screaming yucky to attempting to pick up every carving tool known to man.  

November also meant our first family pictures taken by our sweet friend Heather at the local park. Here is my favorite picture (some of you may see this one again closer to Christmas).  

Reality was quite different than this beautiful picture!  It was a chilly day and Toby is already having trouble getting used to our environment....which is a nice way to say I carried a bag with boogie wipes and tissues to clean up the yuck.  Heather would start with Ash and I to check the scene and get my mop of hair situated, then we would call in mr. statue (aka Travis) and Todd would come flying in after corralling Toby for a quick tissue wipe and a smile.  Immediately after the shutter clicked Toby was off exploring again.  Whew!  Just as we all got situated for a picture and just before the shutter clicked we all heard a noise and Toby froze....a train!  A real live train which meant all pictures stopped and we got to see a train up close for the first time.  So thankful Heather was patient with us.  Lol. 

November also brought our first overnight guests since Toby came home as Todd's parents came for Thanksgiving.  Toby thrives with routines but a wrench in that routine can be interesting.  Overall, he did really well.  We all did.  I think I was super sensitive trying to be ever cautious and try to stop anything before it got started.  Even though we have looked at pictures and talked all about them, Toby blank stared at them for the first day and a half.  We then moved to blank stare with a head nod.  By day 3 he was talking to them and by the time they left he was hugging them.  Since life is messy and I am scattered we do not have one single picture to show for our time together.  Good job mom! 

These past two months have been amazing.  All of the kids have grown so much and truly enjoy each other which makes our hearts swell.  I have learned that I can get frustrated faster than I ever thought possible yet children do too and together we have learned forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  Our beautiful moments have been things like three generation bike rides, baking and icing cookies with grandma, movie nights all snuggled on the couch, hikes at line creek, countless scooter races, volleyball lessons, family dinners and my favorites:  hugs, kisses, cuddles and expressions of love.  ❤️❤️❤️

But, life is always perfect. And if you know me, you know I like to laugh.  And we certainly have had some funny moments also. Poor Toby is learning SO much but sometimes you just have to laugh at things.  There isn't anything else you can do.  

Travis rode the bus home last week (for the second time since Toby came home).  As we waited outside, the UPS guy came to deliver a package.  Toby thought it was a different bus and thought Travis was inside.  I tried to explain it but as the UPS driver walked back to the truck Toby was yelling for Travis.  Thankfully, the (real) bus pulled up and out came Travis.  That sweet UPS man has waved as us forever but left our driveway thinking we were nuts and couldn't drive away faster.  

Toby kept talking about seeing the sleeping deer.  He was SO excited (he loves animals).  It wasn't until the next day we realized it is a dead deer on the side of the road.  Today (day 3), he said "Deer really sleepy".  I just don't have the heart to tell him.  

(This is not for the faint of heart but might explain things if you see us in the next few weeks). Background is that Toby has not had the blessing of clean water so has had parasites and bowel issues.  Which means he basically never farted without being on the toilet.  If he did he would have an accident and he was terribly embarrassed.  We realized this when he came home.  If he said he needed to go...he meant it!  So...the first time Travis farted in the house.....Toby laughed like crazy.  Now that Toby is felling better, of course he has learned to fart. And loves it!  This mama is trying really hard to teach him where and when but today in the check out line he farted really loud and was SO proud of himself.  He cheered and giggled while the poor check out clerk had no idea what to do.  In less than 60 seconds I went from totally embarrassed to laughing along with him.  ((Sigh))

A popular phrase he came home saying was 'shake your booty'.  It is not a thing we run around saying in our house but he clearly loves it and nothing I do or say can seem to stop him.  He had not said it in a long time until this week.  We were in Walmart when a young black woman was walking around passing out candy.  She came up to him and asked if he wanted candy. (((Blank stare))) She politely smiled and as she turned to walk away Toby yelled (yes yelled) "Shake your booty".  If only you could have seen the look she gave me as she basically ran away.  

Toby is full of sweet endearments and tells me (all of us actually) that he loves us a thousand times a day.  It is so sweet...until you realize he also loves the trash can, a bath, farts, bugs, poo, and cookies.  It kind of takes the meaning out of the words.  

Speaking of bugs.....the kids were playing in the backyard/woods while I was working on the patio.  Toby ran up to show me something and was full of excitement.  I bent down to see and found a huge bug in between his fingers.  Without thought, I screamed.  Which made him jump and lose the bug.  It took me a long time to explain that some people like bugs and others do not.  Just because Ashley will catch and hold anything does NOT mean mommy will.  

When we picked up Travis yesterday he quickly showed us he lost a tooth while at school.  He was so proud.  He was trying to sweetly explain to Toby that he will lose teeth and then get new ones.  Toby started shaking his head, holding his teeth and saying "Toby's teeth no go bye bye".  We avoided tears but Toby touched his teeth the whole way home until it was forgotten with riding the scooter.  Oh the things that are hard to explain.

Well, that's us.  Keeping it real with the amazing and messy parts of life. Always loving the support we have received from family and friends.  Praying we all remain thankful for our blessings as we enter into this Christmas season.  I don't know about you but I am sure we will have more messy and amazing stories to tell.  

Six weeks home!

As I sit here to write a much overdo update, I am filled with a bunch of emotions.  The first one being how different this update will be vs the one I started one week ago.  You see, last week we were in the trenches so to speak.  This week, we have clawed our way up and are enjoying the peak again.  What a journey this thing called life really is!

When I watch Toby struggling with accepting new things while still clinging to the past, I think of God watching me do the very same things.  I am a girl that doesn't like change and everyone says I am a control freak (I call it being organized but whatever).  Lol.

All in all, everyone is doing really well.  Ashley and Travis adore Toby and they have a lot of fun together.  Ashley still likes to read books, play outside on the swings, watch movies and comb Toby's hair (which he loves).  Travis and Toby play all the time.  Toby is sad when Travis goes to school and cheers when it is time to pick him up.  Homework time is still one of our hardest times.  The older kids need some quiet, which does not go over well with Toby.  He wants my (and their) undivided attention.  I keep all of his 'table work' from puzzles, coloring, matching etc for him to work on while they do homework.  Like every good plan though, some days it works better than others.

This is day the plan worked well.  Lol

It is blurry but this is the daily greeting at school.

Toby is adjusting more and more each day.  We were told that 6 weeks to 2 months would really be a turning point.  Truer words have never been spoken.  At week 5 we were all exhausted and running on empty.  A good cry from most of us started a new outlook and improvements.  Toby began to accept the new routines instead of challenging them and things started to click.

When I can step back and look at things I can almost laugh (almost) but in the thick of it there is no laughing.  Toby had very little choices in his previous situation yet came home loving the choices all around him.  Yet, these new found favorites are often not to his timetable.  In other words, we cannot eat chips and pop tarts for every meal anymore than we can ride a scooter for every waking moment or take four baths a day.  It isn't life.  He has now accepted that those things will come in due corse and things are falling into place.

We still see (and will see for years to come) different coping techniques.  We see him attempt to hide into the background and become invisible as well as when he turns on the fake charm to get attention.  Kisses, hugs, looks and smiles can turn on in an instant but can turn off just as quickly.  It will take a long time for him to learn he will never be invisible with us and that charm doesn't change the circumstances.  Life lessons.  Ash and Trav learned them and so will Toby.

Last weekend I cried feeling like we were not making progress while this week I can see huge growth markers. I texted Todd early in the week a picture of Toby playing trains on the kitchen floor while I did dishes.  It was the first time!  He has begun to play with his airplane on his own and will race it from room to room.  It is huge!

He is fiercely independent while being totally insecure (figure that one out).  We had a set-back last week which was totally my fault and I have been paying for it ever since.  Travis, Toby and I left to go to Travis' soccer practice.  I left Ashley at home as Todd was about 5 mins away and he was taking her to buy new soccer cleats.  Sounds fine right?  Until you get down the road and realize that in Toby's eyes I left Ashley.  I left her.  His greatest fear just realized.  Oh.My.Word.  The little boy who would proudly run and put his own shoes on now clings and shrieks "Don't leave me" when he sees us getting things together.  Words mean nothing as he saw me leave Ashley.  Actions always trump words.  One week later and we are better.  Not back to where we were but better.  A situation I should have been prepared for but in the rush of getting everyone to the right place I never even considered how it would be interpreted.  A mistake I hope to avoid in the future.

Each week he speaks a little bit more about his time in Haiti and we slowly put the puzzle together.  Sometimes the pieces help clarify reactions and emotions while others remain a mystery.

Everyone tells me they love the Q&A but here is a different take and just some fun facts/thoughts:
-Learning on/off and open/close is a real thing and if you live near us and see flickering lights or opening/closing doors you know we have not mastered it yet.
-The hairdryer is the most exciting and yet equally terrifying thing ever.
-Suckers work great for keeping him still during a soccer game.
-Toby loves airplanes.  Loves!
-Those long legs are like a baby giraffe. When he learns to use them he will be a force!
-He is toughest kid I know yet HAS to have medicine and bandaids.  Seriously.  Bought 5 boxes of bandaids and two tubes of cream and we are almost out again.  Nightly we must add bandaids before bed.  He points to where he wants them, then happily puts on Jammie's and removes said bandaids first thing in the am.  (Remember to ask for them or you may find them somewhere you don't want them).
-Kleenex's are a first world luxury and a weird concept to get used it it appears.  Lol.
-Another first world luxury is flushing after going #1.  This might not be mastered for awhile.  (Much to Ashley's frustration)
-Warm is a new concept.  In reality, I think that most of his life he experienced warm.  I doubt he had ice or ice cold drinks any more than I expect he had super hot sponge baths.  Yet, his bath is still way cooler than I would ever sit in and his food cannot be even slightly warm or he is upset.
-He understands WAY more than you think he does.  Actually, he speaks great English and has not used Creole in weeks.
-Conversations in the car or at the dinner table are hysterical.  He wants to talk but doesn't know what to say.  And he cannot stand to have us talk.  So, he typically sings a little louder than we are talking.  It can become quite wild.  Everyone takes a turn talking about their day.  When it is his turn, it is usually something like "I like elephants or I like cow" which only makes the older kids giggle and leaves Toby thinking he is a comedian.
-No matter how much he practices he cannot say 'Oops'.  It comes out "Oosp" which makes everyone laugh like crazy.
-Toby experienced his first soccer tournament weekend and did very well! He learned to play between games and cheer for the girls during the games.
-He has experienced his first S'more and while wearing most of it, he thought it was 'yummy'.

Last night we had a small breakthrough in trust. We have worked for three weeks to get his hair cut.  He absolutely freaks out. Seriously.  To a whole new level.  We have been to the shop numerous times.  They give him suckers, talk with him, and spend forever trying all sorts of things, but go near his head and he freaks.  We have tried almost daily at home.  Travis has gotten his hair cut twice and Todd once.  All talking to Toby.  He has held the trimmers numerous times and knows they don't hurt but go near his head and all bets are off.  Last night though...it worked.  He wasn't super calm at first but with all of us together he agreed to try.  Of course, I have never cut hair like his before but we did it.  It isn't as good as it would be by someone else but it is done and he was laughing afterwards.  Today he keeps telling me he likes his haircut.  Progress!!  Trust is a hard thing.  It is hard to watch him struggle but great to see him when he conquers a fear.  We do not want to pressure him into obeying as much as we want him to conquer fears!  A much longer process but worth every minute.

First haircut at home.

As I walked across the soccer field on Saturday with my mom to congratulate Ashley on another win, Toby ran in front of us yelling "Daddy".  They held hands and laughed together.....and I cried.  A beautiful picture.

Birthday

Birthday breakfast

Birthday lunch

His look when he walked in to see.......

......this!!  Happy birthday Toby!

Enjoyed pizza for the first time!

And of course....all kids like the tape and boxes as much as the presents.  Lol. 

More Fun....

Yesterday we decided to take Toby for his first trip to Chick-fil-A.  He loved it (of course!).  He was freezing though and wore his hoodie the whole time.

Today, Toby helped me make his birthday cake.  Yes, today is his 4th Birthday!!!!  We did a few things today but celebrating tomorrow. He enjoyed making the cake and loved watching it 'grow' in the oven.

Examples of true life....the laundry baskets and toys all over the floor.  : )

A day in the life....

Once again, I find myself quite busy and not able to post as often as I would like.  I will leave you with some tidbits into our life.  Recently, I have commented that Toby is my little mystery man.  He is a mystery still to us in many ways and the world is a mystery to him. We are navigating this journey together.  Lots of joyous moments with some trauma and grief in the mix.

Yes, Toby has transitioned very fast from Oberson to Toby.  He responds and refers to himself as Toby.  I do find that when I really need his attention I call out Oberson.  He always responds but always refers to himself asa Toby.

Like every family that has a new child there are adjustments and joyous times.  I don't have a camera around during the 'adjustments' but want to make sure you understand life isnt always pretty.  We have tears and hurt feeling sometimes but mostly we are enjoying playing and getting to know each other.


During Travis's soccer game.

During Ashley's soccer game.

We did not go into this blindly but there are two areas where we are working through as a family.  First, I never realized how big of a deal 'ownership' would be for Toby.  Never having things of his own, he is constantly questioning who everything belongs to.  "For me?" is a very common question followed by the names of every other family member.  That some things belong to mulitple people seems crazy (such as our table or chairs).  Switching barstools is a crazy concept to a child used to everything being a routine.  Makes total sense but hard to watch him as he learns to process it all.

We expected there to be food issues but not like we are experiencing. I expected him to have distinct likes and dislikes as well as being uncomfortable with various textures.  He has totally surprised us by being open to all kinds of foods with very little being refused.  What he has trouble with is seeing food being preparend and eating until gone.  Life in his orpahange means when you sit down the food is either there or brought in right away.  He has never been in a kitchen to prepare food.  The wait is very hard to understand.  Equally difficult is only eating a little bit. For instance...if he sees me get a bag of pretzels or grapes for a snack then he expects us to finish that bag.  Eating only a little bit is hard to understand.  Now, let's be real....I can hear you now....just get a little out and don't let him see the whole bag...duh?  Yep.  That's great advice! I assume you have never had a child who follows you around or watches every move...out of the fact that they are a nosy toddler or maybe one still unsure of everything?  What sounds so easy is not always the case.  I will say we have been blessed with meals being delivered from our Sunday School class.  It has been a big blessing! Especially with 'preparation' issues.

All this to say.....Toby is a trooper!  He is the bravest little guy I know and has thrown himself into every opportunity.

What is to come......for Toby that is a birthday!  Yes, Toby will be 4 years old this Friday, October 21st!  Party!